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You may have heard that Reddit bought Team Fortress 2 today. We can officially confirm that this is in fact the case. So if any Reddit staffers are reading this: Hi, boss! We're working pretty hard over here. Well, back to work.
Okay, the Reddit guys've probably stopped reading by now, so we can be square with you: Reddit only thinks it bought us, because that's what we told them when we met them over the weekend to sign all the legal documents. What they don't know is that when a bird flew into a window during the signing and everybody on the TF2 team got scared and some of us started crying, that was a little something we in the business world call a distraction.
The "bird" that "flew" into the window? Not a bird at all. It was a squirrel launched from a t-shirt cannon by one of our guys across the street. The part where we got "scared"? Daniel Day Lewis-level method acting by the TF2 team. The part where some of us started "crying"? That was because the sound of the squirrel hitting the glass was a lot louder than we thought it would be and was legitimately scary. So technically real, but still under the umbrella of our overall deception.
Once the Reddit guys were thoroughly distracted, we took advantage of them awkwardly trying to avoid eye contact with us and switched the legal documents for new documents. Documents that said we actually secretly bought them. Business.
In celebration of our Reddit purchase, we're going to add some new Reddit-themed items to the game. There's also plenty of neat stuff we're working on and would love to tease. But realistically, because today is the International Day of Foolishness, anything we told you guys would just be met with suspicion. And when have we ever trolled our community? Never, that's when. Okay, maybe that one time.
Ever since we saw The Terminator, we've been keeping an eye out for the singularity that will trigger the robot apocalypse. So when Oculus VR contacted us about incorporating its terrifying future technology into TF2, we immediately called the police.
Luckily the Bellevue, WA police commissioner also saw The Terminator, and was able to patiently explain to us that this is nothing like that. So good news! We're adding Virtual Reality mode to TF2, custom-designed to work with Oculus's soon-to-ship Rift dev kits. All you'll have to do to get in on the non-terrifying, Terminator-free future of Team Fortress is pre-order a Rift kit. Once you've got it, add "-vr" to your command line options in Steam to access VR mode. Be sure to post in the forum and tell us what you think about it!
Still scared? Us too. (We accidentally watched The Terminator again in between paragraphs.) Visit the VR How-To Page on the official TF2 Wiki, which is packed with information about this new mode, and depressingly little information about how to stop the naked men that are on their way from the future to kill you.
In 1991, Linus Torvalds left a ham sandwich in his bathroom, and when he came back two weeks later, discovered that he'd accidentally invented penicillin and Linux. Just think what would have happened if Linus Torvalds hadn’t waited two weeks to go to the bathroom. It’s thanks to his enormous digestive tract that we have Linux today.
But of course, anybody who’s gone to history class knows that story. What’s less well known is Linus Torvalds’ last words as he lay dying from septic necrosis: “I decree Linux free to all, with no rules! Save one,” he whispered, his voice becoming raspy and Sarumanesque. “NEVER, EVER allow Team Fortress 2 on my precious operating system! Keep it secret from them! Keep it safe!” (Note: start playing this now.)
And so TF2 fell into shadow. Or so Linux Torvalduman thought. Luckily a band of hobbits snuck past his ghostly burning eye-building and did something important, and wept and cradled each other and swore oaths of fealty, and there was some lava and, anyway, Team Fortress 2 is now on Linux and we're giving away items to anybody who tries it, bringing to a close this epic trilogy of paragraphs.
Hey, Scout superfans! Scout here. Some doll-makin' company called NECA told us they were gonna make action figures based on the best, most popular team member in TF2. Well, I just opened the box they sent us, and not to tell NECA their business, but MAN these two dolls do not look anything like me.
Don't get me wrong, logically they GOTTA be ME. Right? I just dunno why they didn't start with my traditional outfit, or at the very least Scuba Scout or Kung Fu Fortress Scout or whatever. I guess they're tryin' the most obscure variants first to whet your appetite for the good ol' Classic version.
Still, the way I see it, Chubby Firefighter Scout and for some reason One-Eyed Black Scout are better than no Scout at all. So be sure to hit up your favorite retail establishments (Toys 'R' Us, FYE and Hastings) or online (Amazon and the Valve Store) because these odd-lookin' Scout dolls are gonna sell like odd-lookin' hotcakes.
—Scout
Q: What is happening to this set of nine hats in two weeks?
A: These items will no longer be sold in the store, randomly dropped, unboxed as unusuals, or acquired through crafting.
Q: What happens to copies of these items that are already in my backpack?
A: All existing copies of the items will remain unaffected.
Q: What about older crates that have these items as a potential drop?
A: Crates that contain these items will still have a chance at unboxing them in normal quality only.
Q: How will I now acquire these items?
A: These items are still useable in trading.
Q: Will these items ever come out of retirement?
A: No. Once an item is retired it will stay that way.
Q: Will more items be retired in the future?
A: Advance notice will be given if any other items will be retired.
