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Those of you who pre-ordered Left 4 Dead 2 (for PC on Steam or at participating retailers) now have exclusive access to the momentous event they said would never happen. For the first time in history, two separate Valve universes collide. That's right: it's a Left 4 Dead/Team Fortress crossover! This is not fan fiction! This is not a dream sequence! The characters from Team Fortress 2 will team-up with Bill's hat from Left 4 Dead 1!
And lest you think this is just some marketing gimmick, here's the intricate back-story justifying it: while conducting a science experiment on parallel dimensions, Bill's hat fell off a table into the Team Fortress universe.
Is Bill's hat the tenth class? All will be revealed in time, but don't hold your breath. Will you get to wear Bill's hat right now, in TF2? Go ahead and hold your breath—now exhale like a champ, because you're a winner and it's happening.
Even if you haven't pre-ordered yet, it's not too late to get in on this unprecedented hat-wearing, history-making crossover event! Pre-order Left 4 Dead 2 now, and the hat is yours. (Also the game at 10% off.)
The good news is that yesterday's $2.50 sale saved the company. The bad news for our bean counters is that, as a "thank you" from all of us on the TF team, we're rolling back prices like it's Thursday. That's right — Team Fortress 2 is BACK ON SALE at its original, company-busting Thursday Super Sale of the Century price of just $2.49! But only until 1:00pm PDT! And this is the last time we're doing this! There will be no more sales!
"Gee," you may be thinking, "the first time it was on sale, I bought a copy for myself. Then, when it went on sale a second time, I bought some more copies to give to my friends and family. Sooo... Ummm... I guess I don't know what to do."
Well, sure, you bought a copy for yourself. You bought copies for your friends. But ask yourself this: Have I bought enough copies... for my enemies?
Sounds crazy, right? You know what else sounded crazy? Using only words to recreate the feeling of when something unexpected happens in a movie trailer and all of a sudden there's a loud record scratch. People told us that would never work, but - as you probably remember from the previous paragraph - it totally did work. You know what sounded even crazier than that? Selling the greatest team-based multiplayer shooter ever made for two dollars and forty nine cents. And that turned out pretty well, too.
Remember yesterday when Team Fortress 2 was on sale for the ridiculous, mathematically-basically-zero price of $2.49? According to the bean counters, we're now broke. Man, what were we thinking? Anyway, in a desperate attempt to move some units, make up the shortfall, and save the company, TEAM FORTRESS 2 IS ON SALE FOR $2.50 UNTIL 7PM PDT! Pennies from Heaven!
"Gee," you may be thinking, "I already bought a copy."
Well, sure, but did you buy extra copies to give away as holiday gifts? Because - thanks to Steam's gifting system - you totally can.
Here's the best part: You can buy a bunch of copies now for $2.50, then when your grandparents unwrap them on Christmas morning, TF2 will be selling for $19.99 again. They'll think you spent almost 700% more than you actually did! It's like you're stealing from us and lying to your grandparents! It's the perfect crime!
And because we're so crazy, for all we know, by the time December rolls around, we might be selling Team Fortress 2 for six hundred bucks. Or more! Who knows? OH MY GOD GO BUY SOME PRESENTS!
The Powers That Be have instructed me to pen another dispatch for you unfortunates. How many goddamn words do you people need? In my day you wrote just enough words to convey meaning: "Secure that damn hill." "I will have more sausages." "This man spoke trash and I strangled him." Today's writing is complicated and has to mean two things at the same time, or it won't win writing awards. Double intendreys. Metafores. If I meet the Billy Shakespeare who came up with that nancy-assed garbage, I will bury my war-foot so far up his ass it will be a foot and a half up his ass.
At any rate: If you weren't one of the lucky few who received one of the 10,319 Ghostly Gibus Hats, you can still get your hands on one by dominating any son of a bitch you see wearing it in the Harvest map. It'll look better on you than on a dead man, that's how I see it.
That's probably enough words. If you want more, go buy a dictionary, and as long as you're at the store, pick up a pretty dress to wear to your Ladies' Looking Up Words party.
The Soldier
From now until 2:00pm PDT, Team Fortress will be available on Steam for the horrifyingly (to our accountants) low price of $2.49! What else can you buy for that price? That's not a rhetorical question, we're interested in all the things we can buy once those $2.49s start rolling in.
Robin "Twofortyninenaire" Walker
Get Team Fortress 2 for yourself or treat a friend.
