Now hear this, you blood-hungry sons of war!
As of oh-nine-hundred Eastern Standard time, we are at WAR with the DEMOMAN! That one-eyed bagpipe-playing sonofabitch has been a thorn in our collective sides for long enough! For THIS WEEK ONLY, each and every man brave enough to fight under the Soldier banner will be KILLING DEMOS!
Gentlemen, there comes a time in a man’s life when when HE MUST DRAW LINES! Friendship is FINE for tea parties and shopping trips to the dress store! But when the chips are down, a soldier puts ASIDE friendship for the good of WAR!
Every Demoman gutted, garroted, exploded or otherwise killed by a Soldier will mean a POINT for the Soldier Team! At the end of this week, when the points are tallied AND WE ARE FOUND TO HAVE MORE, we will be awarded an EXCLUSIVE ONE-OF-A-KIND WEAPON.
Gentlemen, I have NO IDEA what this weapon is. I don’t even know if I’ll WANT it. But BY GOD, I know what’s IMPORTANT, and it’s that WE get it and the DEMOMAN DOES NOT.
Am I understood? Then get out there and KILL!
Nobody can deny that, measured solely by their ability to blow people into chunky clouds of tomato soup, rockets are an incredible force for good in the world. But with their wide blast radius, they are not a particularly terrific weapon for showing off your sharpshooting skills.
Until now. A high precision version of the standard-issue rocket launcher, the Direct Hit has been engineered from the ground up for Soldiers who have mastered the art of shooting at their targets instead of vaguely near them. Those of you looking to deal splash damage, stop reading now: the Direct Hit has a 70% smaller blast radius than a traditional rocket launcher. But the rockets that come out of this thing move fast and hit hard: 80% faster and with 25% more destructive force. Best of all, for you real sharpshooters, the Direct Hit guarantees mini-crits on airborne targets.
Back when your father and grandfather played Team Fortress 2, being bad at the game was so shameful, they would rage-quit (a lengthy, painful process that involved pulling burning coal from the computer’s furnace). Now, thanks to modern-day updates like these, there’s finally a good excuse. You didn’t misread that sentence: losing is now a strategy.
This melee-slot pickaxe becomes more deadly the more damage you take, letting you move faster and hit harder the more wounds you endure. Get close enough to death, and you will become Death himself.
Note: Pretty much any time we reveal a new weapon, somebody on the forums claims they thought of it first. But this time, assuming it’s Tom Francis and jibberish, they are absolutely correct. As a special thanks to them for doing our work for us, they'll each be getting a unique version of the Equalizer of their very own.
Admit it: Every so often, you suspect you’re carrying your team. But other than rage-quitting, what can you do about it? How about motivating those lazy sons of bitches to put on their war face and fight?
Enter the morale-boosting Buff Banner. When this secondary-slot item is equipped, any damage you deal boosts a rage meter that, when full, lets you pull out your bugle and sound a call to war! For the next 14 seconds, every teammate who rallies round your flag will deal mini-crits.
Tri-Splatteral Damage
Kill 3 enemies with a single critical rocket.
Death from Above
Rocket jump and kill 2 enemies before you land.
Dominator
Get 3 dominations in a single life.
War Crime and Punishment
In a single life, kill 3 enemies who have damaged a Medic that is healing you.
Spray of Defeat
Use a grenade to gib a player.
Guns of the Navar0wned
Kill 5 Engineer sentries while you are standing outside of their range.
Mutually Assured Destruction
Kill an enemy sniper with a rocket after he kills you.
Wings of Glory
Kill an enemy soldier while both you and the target are airborne.
Engineer to Eternity
Kill an Engineer as he repairs his sentry gun while it's under enemy fire.
Trench Warfare
Kill your nemesis with a shovel.
Bomb Squaddie
Destroy 10 sticky bombs with the shotgun in a single life.
Where Eagles Dare
Get the highest possible rocket jump using jump and crouch.
Banner of Brothers
Buff 5 steam friends at once with the Buff Banner.
Screamin' Eagle
Kill 20 enemies from above.
Crockets Are Such B.S.
Shoot two non-boosted crit rockets in a row.
Geneva Contravention
Kill 5 defenseless players after a single match has ended.
Semper Fry
Kill 20 enemies while you are on fire.
The Longest Daze
Kill 5 stunned players.
Gore-a! Gore-a! Gore-a!
Provide the enemy with a freezecam of you taunting over 3 of their body parts.
War Crime Spybunal
Kill a Spy who just backstabbed a teammate.
Hamburger Hill
Defend a cap point 30 times.
Duty Bound
While rocket jumping kill an enemy with the Equalizer before you land.
The Boostie Boys
Buff 15 teammates with the Buff Banner in a single life.
Out, Damned Scot!
Kill 500 enemy Demomen
Frags of our Fathers
Gib 1000 people.
Backdraft Dodger
Kill a Pyro who has airblasted one of your rockets in the last 10 seconds.
Ain't Got Time to Bleed
Kill 3 players with the Equalizer in a single life without being healed.
Near Death Experience
Kill 20 enemies with your Equalizer while you have less than 25 health.
S*M*A*S*H
Assist a Medic in exploding 5 enemies with a single ÜberCharge.
Death From Below
Kill 10 opponents who are airborne with the Direct Hit.
Worth a Thousand Words
Provide the enemy with a freezecam of your 21 gun salute.
Brothers in Harms
Kill 10 enemies while assisting or being assisted by another Soldier.
Medals of Honor
Finish a round as an MVP 10 times.
Ride of the Valkartie
Ride the cart for 30 seconds.
For Whom the Shell Trolls
Bounce an opponent into the air with a rocket and then kill them with the shotgun before they land.
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