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October 29, 2009 - The Soldier

At ease, you wastes of skin. The Powers That Be have commanded me to write another short missive—I'm told it will be broadcast on some manner of punch-card tube machine and read by the thin, stupid youth of today, who evidently ignored my past instructions to stop wasting their lives and do more push-ups.

When I inquired what this missive should contain, I was instructed only that it had something to do with an upcoming pagan moon worship festival, and that it should be "terrifying". Evidently, the youth of today enjoy being scared. Why? Because you don't know what real fear is. Get out a pen and write this in your poem books: I have personally killed 6,078 men in cold blood while looking them in the eye; jumped on 1,455 live grenades; and stuffed fourteen feet of my own intestine back into my stomach. If that doesn't scare you out of your frilly pink leotards, guess what: You are an idiot and you hate America. The next time you visit your grandfather, take out your ipoot headbuds, pull up your goddamn pants, and ask him what a war is. If you're not standing in a puddle of your own Jarate by the time he's finished talking, you should ask him to start over, because you weren't paying attention.

So listen up! An update will arrive later today. There will be ghosts! There will be exploding pumpkins! You will receive achievements and candy prizes! And by God you will be frightened by it or I will give you something to be frightened about!

Click this link to read more about The Terrifying Team Fortress Haunted Hallowe'en Special!

The Soldier