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October 6, 2010 - Whitaker

Hello there, Team Fortress people. Now that I got your attention, the name's Whitaker, from Left 4 Dead 2. Nice little setup y'all got here. Now, I'm told y'all are hired killers. Also, I wanna make it clear that this is ALL I've been told. Ol' Whitaker don't pass judgment, and he don't take sides. RED, BLU -- your money's all green here.



Now, to business. I have once again been asked to try and clarify the essence of some sales paraphernalia.

While my words alone should have been enough to sway you to purchase one of these fine games, the good people at Valve have decided to throw in a little something extra for those of you who currently own or who purchase the game Left 4 Dead 2 by this Thursday at 4pm Pacific Standard Time. This is what those to the east of me in nawlins might call a Lagniappe.

So what are these items you may ask? Before we go into the finer details of said offer, let me tell you a little story. Many years ago before my gun selling ways, I sold house wares door-to-door. I truly must admit, I struggled in those early days. I simply did not have what those people wanted.

During a long walk down a dusty stretch of road, I met a boy. Now, this won't no ordinary boy, he had a sparkle about him, a gleam. You could tell he was gonna be somethin'. So in my desperation, looking to expand my product line into those items that people genuinely wished to purchase, I asked the boy what is the greatest gift a man could give?

Without hesitation that young boy said, a skillet to fry your bacon and hat to act as a mobile roof above your head sir. By god if that boy wasn't right. I added both to my product line that day and soon was the number three seller of cast iron skillets in the great state of Georgia. And for that boy? That boy grew up to be president.

So now you can see I am familiar with the merchandise I speak of. While I do not understand the machinations of this skillet and hat scheme, I do know that if you purchase the said game Left 4 Dead 2, it will reward you with a free hat from my friend Ellis and a handy skillet to fry yours or more importantly your enemy's bacon. These items all manifest themselves in some infernal game called TeamFortress2 which I have no understandin' of but my good friends what I do know is these items know no class, color, weight or gender. They work for all peoples.

Now if I could get a hat and a skillet for $6.80 — I would own a new hat and skillet. At that price, I implore of you, if you see a hatless or skilletless friend, buy them one.

If I was not bound by certain contracts and gentlemen agreements, I would be buyin' every hat and skillet I could afford. I would be leveraging myself to the gills to purchase enough hats and skillets so that I could corner the ever present, ever important, ever expanding hat and skillet market.

People, this is no time to be savin', this is a time to be procurin'!

With that, I thank you kindly for your time and your purchases.

*Current L4D2 owners will see the items appear over the next few days.