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Monoculus is tough for a floating eyeball with no big arms to slap you around with. But apparently he's no match for the TF2 community's passion and ability to kill floating eyeballs.
To up the ante, and to challenge those of you who can best Monoculus with one eye tied behind your back, now every time he is defeated, he becomes tougher when he respawns. Go get him! And remember, if he defeats you, it's considered proper etiquette to push away from your computer, ball up your fist, shake it at the ceiling, and shout "MONOCULUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUS!" as loudly as you can. Don't worry about the police showing up. Well, worry inasmuch as they probably will show up. But once you explain the rules of etiquette to them, they'll likely understand.
I was enjoying my only hour off of the year, in the park feeding pigeons, when Miss Pauling called and notified me there was an issue in need of prompt resolution: gift abuse. Apparently some game servers are abusing the system and making the gift system unfair.
Nothing stokes my ire like a cheater. Deception, duplicity, murder -- these are merely tools in a toolbox one can use to ensure a job done well. But cheating? I cannot even wrap my head around the point of it. Wouldn't you know you had cheated? How on Earth could you maintain crisp certainty of your superiority to all others? And if you're unable to do that, what's the point of anything?
At any rate, I have already taken action against several servers and will continue to monitor the situation and revoke privileges -- with prompt relish, I assure you -- from abusive server operators. I will also be monitoring the in-game Abuse Reporting Tool, which you can and should use at any time to report abusive players and servers by pressing F7. Don't think of it as snitching. Think of it as making the world a better place. One where you can more fairly estimate how much better you are than your contemporaries.
Well, I'm off to enjoy the last ten minutes of my annual hour-long vacation. When I left the pigeons I had already managed to split them into warring factions and planted seeds of doubt about the capabilities of their pigeon leaders, so I'm interested to see how things play out once I take away all of their bread.
Welcome—IF YOU DARE—to the Third Annual Scream Fortress Very Scary Halloween Special!
Let us be frank with you: Last year's special was pretty darn terrifying, even by our impossibly high standard of scary. To cite just one example: Dracula was taken to the hospital after witnessing just the loading screen of last year's update. That's not Terry Dracula your greengrocer, either. This is the Dracula we’re talking about. And if it scared Dracula, who eats ghosts and craps Frankensteins, we shudder to imagine what it must have done to you.
As an apology, we’re debating taking all of the scares out of this year's Halloween Special. For instance, one playtester thought the Pyro was a little scary, so we’ll probably remove him as a class. Someone else swore he remembered reading something about somebody getting hurt by a gun once. And that sounded scary. So probably no more guns, either. Then Dracula called from the hospital. "Hey guys," he said, "hats are pretty scary." Well, now, that must have been the morphine talking. So we’re adding more hats just to be safe.
Long story short, we guarantee you that nothing's going to scare you this year. There will be no ENORMOUS HAUNTED EYEBALL to terrorize you around an island filled with tons of SECRET LOOT, and a GIANT SKULL! There will be approximately zero percent chance of you getting your trembling hands on a spooky costume FOR EVERY CLASS! And we certainly wouldn't DRAMATIZE THE BACKSTORY of this hypothetical scary update with a FEAR-CHOKED TERROR-COMIC!
No, dear reader, we wouldn't do any of these things. Why? Because we're MUMMIES! Mummies can't make updates, we live in pyramids! What are you, insane? For the answer to that question, keep reading:
YES! YOU ARE!* TWIST ENDING!
* You went insane back in the second paragraph! YOU actually wrote this blog post! The only thing that isn't a figment of your imagination is THIS UPDATE! TWIST FOOTNOTE!
Note: The random gift drops and loot are only enabled on game servers with registered accounts. The easiest way to make sure you are playing on a registered server is to use the "Start Playing" button in the main menu of the game.
There are some questions in the TF universe--questions like "Is Pyro a boy or a girl?" or "Who will be the tenth class?"--that get asked so often that they become, in a sense, unanswerable.
Then there are the questions nobody has thought to ask. Questions like, "Every time you explain something supernatural in TF2 you say the Soldier angered a magician. Who is the magician?" Questions like, "If the TF mercs went out trick or treating, what costumes would they wear?"
These are the questions we ask, because unlike those other questions, these ones we have an answer to. Answers like, "His name is Merasmus the Magician, and he's in a Halloween comic!" Answers like, "The TF mercs would wear awesome costumes that you can pick up by collecting scattered gifts in the Halloween update--which will be live very soon!"
Halloween is almost upon us, and for those of you who don't have an irrational fear of Presidents' Day, it's the scariest time of the year. This morning, we were reviewing this year's Third Annual Scream Fortress Halloween Update, and we realized that it is probably too scary. Scratch that - it's definitely too scary. This much concentrated terror would be like throwing you into the deep end of a pool... With no lifeguard on duty! [sound of lightning hitting a bat] But then, oh thank God, here comes a lifeguard. Sayyyy, he looks familiar. OH MY GOD it's Dracula! No wait, it's even worse! It's legendary Hollywood triple threat, Ethan Hawke! Acting! Directing! Writing! But not swimming! Everyone knows he can't swim! What monster would hire Ethan Hawke to be a lifeguard? Does this cursed rec center not have ANY lifeguard hiring oversight committee? IT DOES NOT! AWOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The point is, if we don't let all of TF's new players dip their trembling pinky toes into the shallow end of the blood pool before we unleash next week's scare-credible Third Annual Scream Fortress Halloween Update, they would drown in their body's own terror juices. So, for the next few days, revisit stately Mann Manor. Listen closely! What's that you hear? Is it the clip clop of haunted hoofs? Nope. It's the terrifying, completely foot-generated clomping of the Horseless Headless Horseman! He's come to steal your soul! And, if you have one, your horse! Brace yourselves to see the new update next week. Of course, we won't be seeing anything... Because WE JUST ATE OUR OWN EYEBALLS! TWIST BLOG POST ENDING!
